Keep it real.

S: "i miss having REAL friends."

I: "why is it less real in berlin?"

S: "... you'll probably never see (them) again in this lifetime because you know you'll all be going back to your own countries after the posting is over."

I: "why does it make them any less FRIENDS??? not always have to stay with them forever. people come people go, even lovers."

S: "making friends for fun is one thing. you go out, you have fun, you dont make any proper investment in anything. you dont even really trust them. it's just fun fun lor. not real friendship. and even if you tried, it's just difficult to maintain in the end."

It's sad to be (feeling) lonely in a foreign land, because all your friends are back home, in a different time zone. S has been away for more than two years - with only the rare trip home - and looking forward to her return sometime this year.

That special something. Something.

A momentary feeling of loss touched me as I thought about how we sometimes hold back from making a deeper connection with another person, because of 'practical' reasons, like the difficulties of maintaining a long distance friendship. While there's nothing wrong with being prudent with our emotional investments, the future is never a certainty either - friendships can and do fade for various reasons. Sometimes, we need to just live for the moment.

It's not something that everyone can accept or understand. After all, most of my friends from my younger days have just drifted away. Perhaps, it was for want of trying. Perhaps, we were fellow travellers whose paths diverged along the way, and we decided to continue on our own paths - we could not have always seen or known this. Honestly, I would have just let SF and A to fall off my social radar if they hadn't made deliberate efforts to keep in contact. I guess I've never been the "proactive" sort - though events in the past two years have made me rethink my priorities.

I do treasure loyalty and stability in any relationship. It's always nice to have a regular partner for movies and dinner, and a listening ear in times of need; someone I can trust and depend on to come through for me.

And I believe that people can and do come and go, for various reasons.

And I hurt just as much when it's time for my friend to follow his/her own path.

And, more than anything else, I want to be able to connect with a person. (Having him/her around for the long run is a bonus.) It's that moment when you feel a closeness that's more than physical proximity and shared interests. It's an affinity that's either there, or not. It's not something you can nurture into existence. It's something that makes each person different from the next. And certain special somethings will call out to you - if you would only keep your heart and mind open to the myriad possibilities out there.

Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.

Just listen to me.

Reading about a blogger's angst and blues used to fascinate me. What lies beneath the keen observations, witty remarks, and those beautiful words that exude so much soul? (And conversely, what more of the same, behind mundane observations and monotonous words?) Are there unfulfilled dreams and fears? Vulnerability? A human face behind the reflective screen?

These people who also found some amount of catharsis in writing gave me something to identify with; made me feel less freaky; not so alone after all.

Then, along the way, I lost / forgot / resolved (delete where applicable) much of my angst and anger among my own words. And it started to get painful reading about other bloggers' blues. Particularly so, when day after day, the long-drawn struggle with depression continues, nowhere near resolution. Sometimes, I just "switch off" - a mixture of disinterest and impatience.

I can only liken it to the wastelands of Mordor, the seemingly never-ending final moments when Frodo and Sam struggle up the Mountains of Doom. (I remember trying to ignore the spasms of my marathon-unworthy bladder, and furtive glances behind showed a restless toilet queue that showed no signs of abating. Wriggling my vulnerable bladder past another six people down the row didn't sound like a good idea either.)


I don't want to go back again

They say you will always have your family and friends. People who will help you find your way.

But, during those anxiety attacks, when your breath quickens, and your heart starts to beat faster, and you become aware of the CHANGE, and you suddenly forget how to breathe, you are always the first to know. And you are the only one who can ride it out, white-knuckled, screaming on the roller-coaster of your emotions. At night, when your family and friends are snuggled up in their cozy beds, you will slip into your restless dreams, where the hungry fingers of your patient fears will reach for you the moment you descend into the darkness. Just you.

It is painful to re-live the difficulty of dealing with depression. You don't want to remember the hopelessness. Manoeuvring those all too familiar dark passages. Alone. Crawling along the dankness of your frustration. Crying to no one. Telling yourself, just that little more strength to hold yourself together, because "there" is always just around the corner. Only your voice. And yet, never knowing when, or if ever, you'll see the light. Your way out.

Most of all, you don't want to remember your unbridled envy and resentment of those kindly faces and comforting arms, their undisturbed sleep, and their sanity. You know your family and friends cannot be there for you all the time. They have their own lives to get on with, and sometimes, drained of their own emotional strength, they can grow tired of you, and long to retreat to their own uncomplicated lives, which leaves you alone, again. Still, you know, deep inside, that nobody can ever truly be "there" with you - inside your head.

But, sometimes, I wonder if having dragged myself over the edge of the pits, that I've become less patient with people who haven't gotten there yet.

You see, at the end of the day, you, and only you, can make the choice. And you make it, every day, every hour, every minute. Until, you find your light.


You don't have to say anything

Still, people will always need a listening ear. And on the internet, the world are your ears (and eyes). Even if they are just silent lurkers.


Voices in my head

It's always interesting to listen to our recorded voices. We never do sound like what we THINK we do, do we? (Or maybe I need to get my ears checked. Heh.)

In the past few months, I've tried to be less of the Bastard Admin Lady (who is very intimidating, trust me), and have taken to less monosyllabic Yes-No responses and those icy silences - easily achieved by answering the telephone with a poker face - and just be NICE (read: more friendly, accommodating and sympathetic).

Still, I was totally taken aback when I heard a few of my taped telephone conversations, whilst testing the sensitivity of a dictaphone on Saturday morning. The chirpy schoolgirl is back. Gaaarrrhhh!!! (This explains one too many prolonged teleconversations with strangers, and partly, the baby-talk from someone.)

Mind, I don't think I actually sound like that in person. Erm, do I?

With these ten, I wed thee. (Or not.)

"With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.

This came from one of those newly baptised who suddenly finds herself infused with this irresistable urge to circulate the kind of preachy stuff that I usually delete after a quick scan. But I actually gave the latest a second read - it does offer some very sensible advice, WITHOUT being too sanctimonious.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust" Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?

The reader is urged to look out, especially, for traits like humility, kindness, responsibility and happiness - which certainly, are good qualities to have in a significant other. But I wonder how many people swear by such shopping lists, instead of asking themselves what they really, really want or need. Is there a pair of shoes that fits all?

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main factor. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility.

*** power up flame shield ***

Come, come, how many people WOULD actually cite, much less admit, sexual incompatibility?

Considering that sex, or as some people would prefer, the "act of procreation", is essential to marriage and family (for obvious reasons), why is establishing sexual incompatibility unacceptable? While I agree that sex does muddy things, so can emotional involvement - people who have invested much time and emotions in a relationship can sometimes hang on to a fading relationship because they cannot see it for what it has become, or simply, it would be too much work to start afresh with someone else again.

All that being said, I do believe there are people out there who genuinely don't care about sex. Well, good for them. And, as I said before, no one pair of shoes fits all.

*** power down flame shield ***

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems! If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

Wow. I was quite surprised, pleasantly so, with this "insight" - I've not actually seen this in the usual advice columns. Marriage, and for that matter, any romantic relationship, is not a panacea for unhappiness. Don't look for someone to fill the void in you.

Perhaps, we don't find happiness when we most need it - but rather, when we least need it.

Abnormal psychology.

I find it hard to develop meaningful friendships with people I work with. Mostly, I think it's better to maintain a professional working relationship, sans all the personal obligations and emotional ambiguities muddying corporate responsibilities. And sometimes, I observe things about a person at work, which I find hard to accept in a friend. To other people, these same things are easily redeemable with a "...BUT, she's really a nice person..." - the person being the one "OUTSIDE of work".

Are we only cogs in a system, stripped of self-awareness and autonomy, the moment we step into our workplaces? When we spend a third to almost half of our lives at the workplace, how much of our real selves can be kept separate from our work personalities?

While a co-worker may not necessarily be the same person outside of office hours, certain types of behaviour do reflect on the real person, like stealing from the coffers and being plain nasty. I could concede that slacking is merely an unfortunate job mismatch that results in lack of motivation in one's work; not everyone can land their dream job, for many reasons. Although, having good work ethics says a lot about the person too. After all, in life, you don't get to eat your cake all the time; and when you don't, you deal with it.

It is also true that pressures of the workplace can cause people to behave in ways that they normally would not. However, a statistical anomaly is no less significant or real than the majority; rarity of a behaviour does not mean it doesn't exist - it just means that certain situations don't present themselves on a routine basis. Moreover, if people respond differently to the same situation, what is it then, that makes a person behave in a certain way? What makes Person A recognise and accept responsibility for her mistake, and move on, while Person B attempts to salvage her bruised ego by conjuring a shortcoming in her superior and then pointing it out to the latter in a self-righteous tone so that she can feel better about herself? What makes Person C relook her time management to keep up with her new boss's scorching pace of work, while Person D hands in her resignation because she doesn't think she can keep up, even before she has tried.

When push comes to shove, what are you made of? Really.